The International Confusing Phonetic Alphabet

You know when you're on the phone to an annoying company, and you get to the bit where you have to spell out your surname or postcode or something ("N for Nigel, G for... Gamantha...")? Next time amuse yourself by using this intentionally misleading and incomprehensible (but logically correct) phonetic alphabet and trying to confuse the hell out of the operator. You will never receive any post ever again.

A for aye
B for bee
C for cue
D for djinn
E for ever
F for faze
G for gnome
H for heir
I for Ivor
J for jay
K for knight
L as in Norfolk
M for mnemonic
N as in damn
O for one
P for phase
Q for quay
R for righting
S for seller
T for two
U for um
V for veldt
W for wholly
X for xmas
Y for yews
Z as in Nietzsche

Notes:

  • 'Djinn' is pronounced 'gin'. 'Veldt' can be, and in this case should be, pronounced 'felt'.
  • Slur the pronunciation of 'I for Ivor' so that it sounds like you're saying the same thing twice.
  • The 'disambiguators' for F and P sound identical.
  • M and N are probably the two most frequently confused letters when speaking over the phone, sounding similar both within words and when called 'em' and 'en'. So for maximum confusion I have a line for M that suggests that you mean N, and a line for N that suggests that you mean M.
  • Say 'U for um' like it's a real hesitation -- 'U for... umm...' -- and then move on to the next letter.
  • Obviously in this case, you should pronounce Xmas the old-fashioned way -- 'X for Christmas'.
  • Nobody on the planet knows how to spell Nietzsche without looking it up first.

32 Comments

You is a sadistic bastard. I am work for a telefone company, are very difficult to understand people with accent on the phone. People from your country morons, or sound like.

hehe, nice comment Nksir.

Anway, this reminds me of a stupid alphabet that my granddad used to say. Sadly most of it has been lost from my ken. It started:

A for 'orses
B for mutton
C for sailors
etc

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